Is this the feeling of satisfaction?

Feeling of confidence?

Feeling of accomplishment?

Feeling of WOW?

Because it seems so familiar. Like that feeling of invincibility I had not too long ago, but quite long ago. That feeling I failed to feel for a really long time. That feeling I missed, almost forgot.

I love it.

And I hope my feelings do not fail me this time.

In need of energy.

I hate Mondays.

I'm always so laazy and unproductive and distracted.

Not good not good.

I've GAWT to stop.

after 4 days of relaxing, it's time i get myself back into schoolmode, into workmode.

no. more. distractions.

so aim, you're outta my life again until thanksgiving.

i was right.

=__= i gotta stay away.

reminisce

everytime, once it strikes around 12:30 am, i get into a little nostalgic mood. especially after reading E.B. White's Once More to the Lake.. oh. =_+

i miss summer and hong kong and those days of fun.

Woooow guys.

It's been half a year since I've been on here.

I laugh at myself talking about being busy last year.

This weekend was my lazy weekend though. SAT Reasoning is over with (for the timebeing), and I need 2 more subject tests to take. Finals are coming up soon, and this time, I don't have xmas break to study over. Well I guess it's good for xmas break, but that also means I should start reviewing now..
When does this ever stop?

...

since when did i stop looking forward to relaxing but instead to hurry up and finish my work so i can move on to something else..?

they don't know how to stop'm

wish i were unstoppable,

can i have my battery back, please? i gotta keep runnin runnin ruuunning.

I hate being compared to

Yet I compare myself to other people so much. Hypocritical.

I don't know what I wanna hear. When I hear things like, comparing yourself to others will only trap you, I feel like maybe I am being too hard on myself and I should loosen up on the pressure. But at the same time, I feel like they don't believe in me; they don't believe that I can do better or just as well. And it kindof worsens the conditions, because that's ONE MORE PERSON for me to WANT to prove wrong.

I really hope I don't disappoint myself. I want to be able to go, "In your face."

Sometimes I wonder if my standards are my own, or of others.

and at this very moment,

I feel invincible.
As if, what can't I do?

I wish to preserve this feeling in a special place forever, so whenever I'm feeling weak, I can get it back out.
Too bad, wishes don't come true half the time..

But I love this feeling. I love it. Love it, love it, love this feeling of accomplishment. Please, let it stay for a purpose, let this feeling be convincing, let this feeling be real. Until I really am invincible. Please.

about the last blog..

What am I saying?
Just reading it made me feel like a brat. Compared to last year, I should be so much more grateful for this year. Sure, maybe there was more work--but who isn't working hard? Sure, maybe I received more pressure from myself about the future, more stress, more studying etc etc, but I'm not the only one. I'm in no position to complain.
And compared to last year, I think I feel a lot happier and more grateful for everyday I manage to get by..

So idk what I'm thinking when I say it "hasnt been the best" but although it wasnt the best, it was definitely better, and it has been quite okay with those memorable days.
I sound as if I'm complaining, so I hereby apologize to myself.

i wanna be the sunshine to your rainy day

Sophomore year definitely hasn't been the best for me.

But those rare memories, I will remember forever.

For once, I'm not lying 'boutchu

^This is called a self-taken photoshoot, not conceited camerawhoring :).

Forgot about you again, little blogspot.


Well, my Spring Break was wonderfully fabulous, check the facebook/tumblr for pictures. Had a blast with some of the most splendacious people in the world. No, that's not a word, but that's how indescribable they are (=. Happy super late birthday to Stacy, Danica, and Emily. You guys were definitely the highlight of my breaaak!

STAR testing is always a chill week in terms of classes. Well, I'm different, I always manage to find a way to make myself explode. Not a good thing.

I am fearing the future again. Time is going by faster. SATs. I still haven't registered.
My topbiggest worry now is not getting into AP Psych next year. Not enough people for 2 sections, too many for one, so she suggesed AP European History. NOT. INTERESTED. I actually want psychology. Especially now, I think I've set my target. And in bio, learning about the brain and all, I realize, yeah, this is the thing I'm interested in. ._.

Ushdigshgidsgdsdshhd.
I'm really gonna run out of time..

I'm on the rim of giving up.

oh help me.

To do To-Day

[x] Wake up
[x] Finish reading Act4

[x] Breakfast/Spongebob

[12:25 X] Dramatic Devices
[ ] Continue fighting word problems

[ ] Lunch / Down with Love

[ ] Proofs

[ ] Sister come home / get her books from library / IS THE WEATHER GOOOOD?

[ ] And all the rest; later on at night :

[ ] PROOFS

[ ] And if Igive up.. study for finals.

Long time no see,

Missed me anyone?

Well, I guess I'm able to shut myself out really easily. From the Internet. To some extent. I'd die without it, but sometimes I know I'd die with it, so I just close myself up. Overwork myself to keep myself from overthinking and worrying or being stupid and foolish, or just plain emo moments. Work tortures you, work stays with you, work takes you away from everything!

But sometimes I think I overuse that technique til I break down -___-.

But it's oaky! I know I work myself hardest before breaks because I take the break for a reasonnnnnn.

Well nothing's changed lately, I guess. (Idk why this blog even exists..)

Got a haircut but hair's growing back,

Bug catching a lot, bug breaking a lot,

Quite some moodiness,

LOST MY EARRING -_-.
New drama: Down with Love<3.>

Idk what else I've missed since I lost blogged but..

knockknockimhere.tumblr.com

xanga.com/cinnamorolly_fionax3

;D keepin up with the fiona.

oh and reading back on my last blog,
yeah i'm quittin'.

You give me power.

and nope nope, nope i'm not scared.

i've finally decided and i've found it made me feel happier.
but i just had to bring upon another decision.

stay in key and be dedicated (even though i'm so inactive..) or go for interact, where chances seem higher?

BLASPHEMY

I'm wearing the same scarf in three consecutive pictures.. HAHAHA.
Same sweater in two consecutive pictures, too.
"You wear a different necklace every week."

HA.
Proves I wear some clothes VERY often :)

Hm,

I wonder if you still remember me..
I wonder if your number is still the same.
Contacting a friend from 8 years ago, phone number written in scrawny handwriting. Sounds rather silly.

Maybe one day I'll find your Facebook, haaaah.
Fb is miraculous.

GOT A PHONE GOT A PHONE GOT A PHONE

(=

That makes a happy Fiooooooona.

I love you mommydaddy!

Poem, here I come.

* whoever reads this, igot a new number, too, so please delete the previous one.
this note mainly goes out to emily if she sees this (=

I don't mind being your motivation

Won't you be mine?

Sometimes I wonder if I like work, or if I like that feeling of accomplishment, youknow. That feeling that ohhhgrrrrrrl I managed my time fairly well. That feeling of understanding everything, that lightbulb going DING! That feeling of having everything compleetely under control, and everything done.

Or maybe I just want to distract myself with work, work, and more work, to keep myself from thinking about other things. People, school (haha, doing schoolthings to keep from thinking about school), my future, etc. Choosing Classes. My new decision. I feel like decisions just keeep coming my way now.
But everyday that I spend so much time on one thing, I wonder if I'll be able to dedicate so much time to whatever classes I take next year and I start to cower away a little. My confidence atrophies ( HAHA ;D).
So farrr, I got my mind set on CalcABAP, Eng3AP, ChemHonors, Spanish3.
Two extra spaces.
I'm wondering if I should fit in another science (Psychology).
And if I should do APUSH. Cuz APUSH isn't as bad as WHAP, right?

Ugh, Idk. -__-.

days like these.

make me feel not so lifeless and patheticcccc.
minus the fact that it's my first time baking. but at least this first experience is from scratchhh~!
nice catchin' up ( = .

please don't think you're that unforgettable.

meet my biological sister and my second unrelated sister.
like an extra pair of chill parents or some extra friends with a different relationship. the type of friends to bring you happiness w/o knowing every single detail, what with girls or boys, troubles of any sort. but they're there, and the laughter i share with them is different from what i share with friends or anyone else. :D.
but sometimes i feel like iwant to share part of that inner life with you guys. i know you guys know. sometimes i want to hear advice from you guys.
haha, i no longer have to hide what i know, and i feel proud that i know something, lol! that we can discuss these matters now. i feel omniscious. all knowing. and most of all, trusted. ;).
and at the same time it brought upon more regrets in my life.

happy tiger year.

Why couldn't I have met you earlier?

i like how we can talk again, even if it does revolve around only those subjects.
i like how we can talk about the past now with no sense of awkwardness, like ooold friends giggling about silly past stories.
i like how you talked to me right after i kinda blogged about missing someone, privately. at the same time, it's kinda scary.. i would not want you reading those posts.
i feel unbounded now. rarely do i backspace what i type to you.

but why is internet taking over lives?
everything is just so easy here. you say what you want, and backspace it as quickly as you want.
you could easily abandon conversations. but at the same time people (both people you like and dislike) could easily get ahold of you.
you could talk about things with less awkwardness as if you said it in person.
you could hide your emotions, so, so easily, but it'd also mean you don't see that other person's emotions.
one smiley face or one laughoutloud changes the tone.
but you can't catch details sometimes because of those distractions.
you could talk to so many people at once. you could multitask.
on instantmessaging, the things you say TECHNICALLY disappear into thin air unless someone saves it. nobody eavesdrops (unless someones overreading or you type in the wrong box)
all this allows for convenience but also lack of communication.

sometimes i wish i could shut myself from the internet and interact only in person, so i don't have to worry about everything so much.

to find beauty amidst ugliness, plainness, and blandness.

can you do that with me?

i realize you are of motivation to me.
with you, i don't want to be better than you. i just want to prove myself worthy.
you are my push, my reason, and my thing to look forward to.

you are my hope :).

saltine crackers

my hair's growing looooooong. bangs are too, kinda bugging me.


my rush of inspiration and motivation ran away.
i'm really frustrated right now. it's as if i forgot how to write.
last night i dreamt that i blanked out and forgot everything. it really scared me. i'm still kinda traumatized.
as if this is the point that i start to let go.. without knowing it.
each day matters . and i want every day to matter.
but isn't it kindof overwhelming to think that, if each day matters, one mistake will kill it all?

call me a nerd

result of yesterday's shopping.

result of staying at home today. (not done yet)

i love getting headstarts on things and being productive.

done w/ main paras, need the little edits here and there, of course, but i got the main ideas down. so picture above shows two sentences of intro, FOUR main paragraphs (choosing one to eliminate).. and yeah.

but i need to identify what i'm even trying to prove; my thesis.

whooooooooo. i love productive days. less guilt when i start watching dramas, you know?
*parents are out at casino. the reason i am at home. but it's okay. i think i actually like choosing one day out of weekend to be productive sometimes.. they can have their fun, i can have my work done.

(= must. stay. on top. of things. :D.

hi, motivation!

I missed 11:11

Up to you to fulfill my wishes!

I am thinking again and debating again over Chinese school.

I'll miss those people. It's sucha diversity, my 'group' ranging from 8th grade to 12th. Different schools. Different 'cliques', if I must say, each one of us are from.

I think this year was overall just a great slack off year. LOL. Never in my five years of Chinese school has the teacher been totally oblivious (or maybe just lenient and pushover), so the point of me actually talking the whole 3 hours. Once in a while stare at him and pretend we're paying attention but so what.
And today I met/got to talk to more new people.
I think Chinese school is one of those places I feel totally free in.
Sucks, takes me this long to finally treasure these moments. Great year to end it off, I guess. :D.

Do you remember?

It just depends on the way you look at things.
One switched angle, and a cloudy day looks like a sunny day.
Change up your mood.

Maybe we got some telepathy going on.

Currently brainstorming for essay outline, I got it decided on comparing allegories&chapters. Part of me is still fighting for the other two, but I guess 4Corners is a bit hard to argue. And short story.. I don't think I'm ready to share that part of myself yet.

But I am now reminded of how hard outlines are. Harder than writing the real essay, actually. :.

welcome back.

it's sad how i could forget.

it's the worst feeling to miss someone right in front of you, someone in your everyday.
but it's the best to reconnect with old ones that you've been missing.
: ).

gosh, this blog has almost become a 365 thing! (= but it's not. probably missed a day or two.
the pictures are pretty everyday though; as in, it accompanies each and every blog.
that's how camerawhorey i am. gotta put my pictures to a good use!

can you believe it's been a year already?
i think life does balance out.
yin and yang.
good and bad. or, more of bad and good. if you truly deserve some goodness back in your life, it'll hop in. but sometimes karma reacts, even if it has no relationship to anything you did whatsoever. it'll bite you. hard. learn your lesson and the good comes back, and you'll love that feeling.

Lookin goooooood

this week~!

^super antique huge camera w/ 2.0 megapixels; stilll looking good though.

okay, i'm not considering i felt super sick this whole day and last night =_= but my forecast of this week is looking UP.
despite all the tests and stuff, i have a feeling i'll like this week.
but i don't want to jinx it.

i highly believe listening to upbeat positive songs help in boosting your positivity. (=


or other small things that don't seem important. i think it's important. the little details! i tend to remember those more than the big picture, ha. or just about the same. so this weeeek.
CAHSEE - shorter classes (get out @ 3) and math quiz. -_-
CAHSEE - shorter classes (get out @ 2)
THURSDAY = SHORT <3 ABRIDGED HAHAH. yesyesyes.
WWI test Friday.
Saturday.
then it's tgiweekends, tehehe. then one more week and BREAK. i sound too excited.
please don't let my hopes down.
made it through january; i'll make it through february.

back to studying and making sense of things : )

roaar hatehate kill kill

@hw.

i need braces. i don't want braces. period.

but it's all GOOD cuz i'm done (=.

speent 5 hours on the timeline =_=. BUT ITSKAAAAY. now it's time to relax until it's time to study again, which woon't be long.

oh no, i think that defies what i said of NOT BREEZING EACH DAY THROUGH.

._.

tomorrow's the last day of january.
made it through each day of this first month. clean record. squeaky clean. let's keep it that way.

knockwooood.

decided.

wished. and hoped.

and two days later, my mind is switched. i have got to learn to be sure of myself, of my decisions. of what i decided! well now my plan is ruined and i'm back to box one--staying in all my clubs.. -___- when i totally decided to just quit til next semester. but noo, now i find out CSF counts on apps as long as you paid, wtf? what kinda unfairness and stupid reasoning is that? paying to get some extracirrcularness.. but i guess i'll still do it. : $$$$$$$ ): must save $ and earn some. who wants a $20 barnes and nobles giftcard? i'll sellll it for 30. JUST KIDDDING. i'll probably need it for sat's and crap.
ugh, i hate thinking about those stuff. =_=.

but anyway.

i've decided FOR SURE now that instead of being distracted from homework, i'm gonna make homework my distraction. (= you can't ever get distracted from your distraction, right? ;).

The first step to ending distraction

is to think that the distraction is boring and uninteresting and ohmgoaaah nothing to do (=.

well, not working so well for me.. but it's okay.

i have too many blogs to disperse my bored-of-studying mood on. D:

only a distraction.

Won't last long.

HAHA, kbye nonexistent stalkers. back to studying!

oh miss woods, see what you've done to me? one extra blog to play with now.

and btw, FIONA = DONE WITH JLCBLOGGING as of yesterday, 1-24-2010. (; Proud, muchhhhhh. It's about time I get back on top of things, like I'm supposed to be. No more breezing through and just making it through each day, waiting for an end. Started this sophomore year with a lazy and BAD start. Well..lazier than I should be, since others might not say so..It's about time the old Fiona comes back. (=

always gonna live in your shadow.

what a surprise.
rain again tomorrow.

I LIKE BANANAS.

i need a hobby, but don't want one.
no, i want a hobby, but can't find any of interest.
i'd really much rather spend my time watching dramas; fake lives of fake characters. i get so into it. .

Officially Transforming into a Photoblog.

feel an urge to make a Wretch, I don't know why.
taking more and more pictures. turning out better. my camera behaves more now. in terms of quality. iloveyoucamerababy<3>

and for some reason, i started to stop smiling at the camera and just glare at it. model look perhaps. ha, ha, ha. no.

geez, am i really a pessimistic person? are pessimistic people necessarily unhappy? or is it sometimes just realistic to not think so brightly, but to think in terms of the real world? but the real world is so ugly. anyone thinking realistically would be "pessimistic."

and i gotta admit. leaving expectations lower leave less room for disappointment.

is there a direct relationship between pessimism and happiness, then?

=_=.

You are unbelievable.

dear . . .

You asked me if I were feeling any better.
I'm not even sick. You are.
Take care.
Homework is definitely not an excuse to keep myself in my room all the time.



Gah, I miss you.

internet restriction on myself

Ended today. (=. I think it's kinda funny how a lotta people aren't on, or, are on, but are all studying for finals. Weeell, guesss what guys. I'm pretty much done![; I think I failed math ):. Felt so good to chill baackkk today. Semester breaak, here I come! Even though I can't go sushi with them (as predicted) I am still looking forward to two days of RELAXATION, stressfreebaby. I overstress too much. My whole life. Have you ever met a kid who's stressed herself out since elementary school? That'll be me.. so I think I'm having an early senioritis this year. Two years early. Lack of sleep this week. Sleeping way past bedtime (rofl, I am so bad ;D HAHA.) every night; pluuuus waking up earlier this morning to study, siiince the English team left at 10 last night. Or at least Diana did.
Aha, I like the idea of having so many blogs scattered throughout and typing different ideas throughout. Like you can never know the entire me. Ooh, so mysterious.
It's so weird typing in AIM o_o. I mean, everything's the same, but it felt weird when I first saw those green little letters creep out on my window, ahahahaha. NICE DESCRIPTIVE LANGUAGEEEE, LOL. I don't know who I'm talking to on here. Hi, diary. :).

knockknockimhere.tumblr.com
xanga.com/cinnamorolly_fionax3

if you wanna stalk out my whole mind, that is.